Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
can’t believe I got front row seats
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!