My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
How high do the levels go?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street