For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Well well well…
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.