It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’m going to need a moment here.