5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*