“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Thursday
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Thursday
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married