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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
no!! no!!!!!!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.