(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time