If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.