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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too