At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something