Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I identify as a McDonald鈥檚 ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you鈥檙e not gonna believe this
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If snails are so slow, why don鈥檛 we ever see them coming? It鈥檚 just BAM, there鈥檚 a snail.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Finally!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me [camping]:
We鈥檙e out of wood, so I鈥檓 going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
that de-escalated quickly