I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume