Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.