(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
#Caturday
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.