My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.