I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Made something I’m not proud of
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”