“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign