2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.