Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo