Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.