look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Hey I worked for it too!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.