“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I think I’ll stand
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so