how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.