Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.