Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
This raises questions
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
They did not miss in the small print
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s