sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
LOL
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers