*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
this is me
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.