Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.