“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.