When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
You Might Also Like
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’m good, thanks.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.