Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob