Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
You Might Also Like
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
adam and eve had first world problems
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house