On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
choose your gary
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
blocked.