Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.