You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
? 💀
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up