You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??