I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.