I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”