My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.