Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
You Might Also Like
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.