Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair