Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last