First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me irl
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
every. time.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
did it work
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.