Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
it is time once again
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open