Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
You Might Also Like
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Extremely relatable.