*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
You Might Also Like
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit