*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You learn something every day