me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
What?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Human are so complicated
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie