If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
The fall of Netflix
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.